March 8, 2009
3G families get cosy
Living with the in-laws need not be a pain if duties are clearly delineated and everyone gets his privacy
By Tay Suan Chiang and Rachael Boon
On the outside, this white apartment building in Keng Lee Road near Novena looks no different from its neighbouring blocks.
But while the other buildings consist of several smaller apartments with different owners in them, this 12-storey building, with its distinctive onion-shaped domes on the roof, belongs to one family with three generations living under the same roof.
Businessman Mohamed Haniffa, 70, built the apartment block to house his family of 15 and five household helpers.
His family includes his wife, Siti Zubaidah, in her late 50s; their five children, aged 24 to 35; and eight grandchildren, aged four to 14.
The family used to live in a three-storey bungalow on the same plot of land, before moving into their new $9-million apartment building in January.
'I built this apartment block because I want all our children to live in one place,' says Mr Mohamed, chairman of textile and garment company Haniffa.
While having five families living under the same roof is unusual, multi-generational families living together are not uncommon.
Part-time barista Jann Pua, 60, lives with her daughter Gillian, 34, and her family, which includes Gillian's sales engineer husband Kenny Chua, 34, and their 17- month-old daughter, Corrinne.
The family has been living together in a five-room HDB flat near Tiong Bahru for the last five years. Madam Pua has her own bedroom, while the baby sleeps with the couple.
'I must live with my mum because she is alone and I need to take care of her,' says Gillian, a network engineer, who lived with her mother in a rented flat before she got married.
Mr Chua's parents live in the opposite block. Having both sets of parents in close proximity has been a good move. Earlier this year, Corrinne was diagnosed with diabetes.
'Luckily, we have my mum living with me and my in-laws nearby. They all help to take care of Corrinne,' says Gillian, who prefers to depend on family support rather than send her baby to a childcare centre or employ a maid.
Engineer Kok Chuen Wah, 34, continues to live with his parents in their five-room HDB flat in Bishan even though he is married and has a daughter, Leia, one.
His wife, Loh Wai San, 34, an administrative executive, moved in when the couple got married in 2007. The couple did not move out because they are happy living with Mr Kok's parents, a retiree and a housewife, and could not find a suitable flat for themselves.
'Living together has strengthened our family ties. My daughter adds colour to family life,' says Mr Kok.
He trusts his parents to care for his child, 'but should anything happen to them, it's easy for my wife and I to, in turn, care for them too'.
The couple have plans to move out on their own eventually but feel that the new home should still be within walking distance of their parents' home.
Living in a multi-generational family may mean an extra pair of hands to help around the home, but sometimes, life may not be that rosy.
Secretary May Tan, 29, used to live with her in-laws but has since moved out.
'I'm grateful to my mum-in-law for helping me care for my daughter, but we have different ideas when it comes to bringing up a child,' she says.
She and her manager husband Peter Kok, 31, moved out on their own last year. Her mother-in-law still cares for their daughter, Karen, two.
'We are no longer under the same roof, so there's less chance of us quarrelling,' says Ms Tan.
Family and marital therapist Benny Bong from FamilyWorks says there are advantages to having a multi-generational family living under one roof, such as help with meal preparations and child-caring duties.
But for such families to live harmoniously, 'all parties should recognise that some relationships need more space than others', he says.
For example, elderly parents should recognise that their children may still want their own time and space, and vice versa.
He adds that the 'newcomer' to the family should also acknowledge that what works in his own family may not work in the new one.
Mr David Kan, executive director of Family Life Centre, says that in a multi-generational family, 'it's better to work on understanding others, rather than seek to be understood'.
Block mates
Who: Businessman Mohamed Haniffa, 70, housewife Siti Zubaidah, in her late 50s, their five children and eight grandchildren
Home: 12-storey apartment block in Keng Lee Road
The Haniffa family used to live in a three-storey bungalow before Mr Mohamed decided to construct a 12storey apartment building in its place.
His fourth daughter Farzana Begum, a part-time student in her 20s, says: 'My father has been planning a home like this for a long time. He wants us to have property of our own in the future and to be secure.'
Each unit in the building, with distinctive onion-shaped domes on the roof (bottom and a wading pool (below) on the roof, has four bedrooms, a kitchen and a living room (above).
Family members gather at Mr Mohamed's apartment on the top floor every evening for a chat. With two lifts that stop at every floor, it is easy for them to visit one another.
Eldest daughter Irfana Begum, 35, who lives on the sixth floor, says: 'Even though we do not live in the same house, we're still near each other and we can visit one another any time.'
The businesswoman says: 'I have my siblings to take care of my kids - if one is sick, there is always a helping hand and all the children can go to school together.'
Youngest daughter Razinah Begum, 24, says: 'There are advantages to living so close together. I live in the same unit as my parents. If there's no food here and I'm hungry, I can visit any of the other homes.'
Taking on different roles
Who: Director Christina Ng, 45, managing director Dave Wee, 44, their son Jeremy, 16, daughters Pamela, 13, and Isabel, 12, and housewife Loh Swee Eng, 76
Home: Two-storey bungalow in Yio Chu Kang
Ms Christina Ng's mother, Madam Loh Swee Eng, not only helps take care of her children, including Pamela (second from left) and Isabel (far right), but she also takes charge of the cooking in the household.
For Ms Ng and her husband Mr Wee, having her mother, Madam Loh, live with them was 'a natural thing to do'.
After all, Madam Loh and her husband, Mr Ng Khiok Meng, had taken care of the couple when they got married in 1992. Back then, the parents, the young newlyweds and an older sister all lived in an HDB maisonette in Serangoon North.
As the family grew bigger and as Ms Ng's parents got older, they moved to a semi-detached home in Yio Chu Kang, before moving to their current bungalow in 2007.
Madam Loh lives with Ms Ng, her younger daughter. Mr Ng, 71, lives with their elder daughter, Sook Fun, a civil servant, in an apartment in Serangoon.
This arrangement works well for the family. Ms Ng says: 'We see our parents daily and it gives us peace of mind that they are doing well.'
Although she has a maid to take care of the children, her mother also helps out by cooking their favourite food.
Madam Loh is happy with the arrangement too. 'We can help take care of each other,' she says. Indeed, the youngest child, Isabel, is often on the lookout for her grandmother. Madam Loh says: 'When I'm sick, she constantly reminds me to take my medication.'
Roles are clearly split among all parties. Madam Loh does the cooking and sometimes helps out with the housework. 'Mum is a good cook and she insists on doing it, so we let her,' says Ms Ng. The job of disciplining the children falls on the parents.
Ms Ng says living together means there is plenty of family bonding time. Sundays are mostly spent at home, with the children in the pool and grandma in the kitchen cooking. The whole family, including Mr Ng and Sook Fun, have dinner together on Sundays.
While there are six people living under one roof, each still gets his privacy.
The family live in a bungalow in Yio Chu Kang.
The family's two-storey bungalow comes with five bedrooms on the second floor. The front half of the house is where the couple's bedroom is.
The four remaining bedrooms are at the back and each one comes with an attached bathroom.
While it is still a long way before her children have families of their own, Ms Ng hopes that she and her husband will be able to live with her children and grandchildren one day.
'We hope the kids will still live with us, but we will leave it to them to decide,' she says.
Warmth is all around
Who: Sales executive Adrian Lee, 35, manager Anna Leow, 33, their son Astemus Lee, seven, housewife Pok Chiew Lan, 56, and freelance engineer Leow Choo Phin, 61
Home: Four-bedroom executive flat in Tampines
Living together in their four-bedroom flat (below) means Mr Adrian Lee and his wife Anna Leow can have peace of mind knowing that their son Astemus is being cared for by her mother, Madam Pok Chiew Lan.
Sales executive Adrian Lee is all for having a set of parents live with him.
'Having the elderly live with us somehow adds more warmth to the home,' he says.
For the past three years, his parents- in-law have been living with his family.
His wife, Ms Leow, says 'it is convenient to have my parents with me'.
The couple used to live in a four-room flat across from her parents' home. When Astemus was younger, they would drop him off at their place each day.
'We decided to get a bigger flat so that we can all live together,' says Ms Leow. The couple, their son and their parents all have their own bedrooms.
Knowing that their son is in his grandparents' care means the couple can concentrate on their careers.
'I wouldn't trust my son with a maid,' says Mr Lee.
Ms Leow adds: 'My parents are now very healthy but if they fall sick one day, it would be easier for us to take care of them, too.'
For Madam Pok, living with her daughter and her family means she does not get lonely since she can be with her only grandchild.
Apart from taking care of him, she still gets her own private time during the day when he is in school.
While there can be disagreements at home sometimes, Ms Leow says the trick is to 'be understanding and to forgive and forget'.
Mr Lee says: 'Sometimes, parents can be very naggy but I wouldn't want to live without them.'
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