April 10, 2009
Love at what cost
By Tee Hun Ching
A few years ago, I shared in a relationship column in the Life! section about how my salary went straight into a joint account with my husband.
All my girlfriends said I was a fool. "You can't guard against a change of heart," they warned. "You have to protect yourself."
Even a male colleague was moved to ask: "How can you not have your own nest egg?"
My premise is simple: If you have qualms about sharing your wealth with your partner, chances are, you are not ready to share your life with him.
If you are saying "I do" while thinking "I don't really trust him", it could be that he has traits which warrant caution (dishonesty, for instance), or you have your own demons to battle (insecurity, maybe). Either way, major fault lines are already in place and this match may not be an ideal one for you.
Am I naive? Perhaps. But having dated tightwads as well as spendthrifts previously, I didn't see any telltale signs in my husband before we got married that warranted caution.
He never hesitated to pay on our dates, for instance, nor has he ever asked that I pay for his purchases as he was maxed out for the month. He showed a healthy attitude towards money, respecting the good and evil it can do without being enamoured by or flippant about it.
In fact, he probably has more to lose by pooling his money with mine, I sometimes tell my friends. He hardly shops for pleasure while I'm constantly open to temptation, be it sample sales by luxury labels or clearance deals from high-street brands.
I think it helps that we share the same values about money, and neither of us would breach that trust by spending above our means, at least not without first consulting the other.
In an article last October titled Will The Market Kill Your Marriage?, Time Magazine's Belinda Luscombe listed three main reasons for the spike in divorce rates commonly seen during a recession.
"There's the lawyer theory, that money provides the soft fatty tissue that insulates the marital skeleton; once it's cut back and people get a good look at the guts of their relationship, they want out," she wrote.
"And there's the marriage-counsellor theory, that couples who were never quite on the same page in the checkbook finally get pushed off the ledger by endless bickering over their dwindling resources. And the therapist theory, that financial worries cause stress, stress can cause depression, and depression is a total connubial buzz kill."
This week, we get counsellors to share tips on how to weather the financial storm that is battering your relationship.
You know what they say: "What won't kill you will only make you stronger." If you can survive financial hardship as a couple, you may well dodge other curve balls that life throws your way.
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